| Ciao, Bella |
[25 Oct 2007|04:03pm] |
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mood |
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 Thinking about life |
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music |
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Goldfrappe - Strict Machine |
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So I've been in Blue Ridge for about 2 months. It's so completely different. And not just because the entire Fannin County consists of about 20,000 people either. It's just so, quaint. It's so small, and delicate, and peacefull, and alluring, that it drives me to the point of wanting to move back home. Sometimes. The only thing I can really say negatively about it, is the fact that everyone up here knows everybody, and they're all related to each other somehow. Which makes it EXTREMELY difficult in finding a job. Because I'm new (or an outsider, whichever you prefer). So no one knows my name, who I am, where I come from, or what kind of person I am. I've never had to work so hard to try and prove to people who I am. And I don't think I'm particularly comfortable with it. Lets just say I have a weeks worth of unemployment left, and right now, it's a life or death situation. Anywho. I do miss being back home sometimes. I miss being 20 minutes away from my family, and the friends I used to have. Whom don't really talk to me anymore, but I guess that's just a whatever situation. Sometimes I let myself get so outrageously angry with my former boss, that I can't help but to scream, and wish she died. And then I realize how insanely immature that is. How insanely immature I used to be for 18. And what makes me really sad, is how moving up here allowed me to finally grow up. Especially when you thought you already had. My life just seems a little fake right now, if that makes any sense at all. For example, I'm living with an amazing family, I attend a wonderful church, made awesome friends, but I continue to let the fact that I don't have a job bring me down every single day. Like everything else is SO perfect, and then you have the little black smudge that won't seem to go away. And you think, "Is this real? Is this really my life? Why have I been blessed with something so amazing?". GOD. Hello dear friend, I am so terribly sorry that it took me so long to bring you into my life. Please forgive me. Because you are amazing, and I know you will guide me, protect me, and love me every step of the way. Thank you.
The love of family never dies.
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[03 Mar 2007|12:16pm] |
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mood |
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 yay for starbucks |
] |
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music |
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Smashing Pumpkins |
] |
Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
Ooh, the years burn
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[14 Feb 2007|07:45pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the used |
] |
My worries weigh the world, how I used to be
And everything, I'm cold, seems a plague in me
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by and I cried
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[05 Feb 2007|12:51pm] |
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mood |
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 this totally blows real hard |
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music |
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The Used - It's Hard To Say |
] |
Love is hard when they're an ocean away.
Literally.
And it's hard to say how I feel today.
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[16 Jan 2007|12:11pm] |
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mood |
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 excited |
] |
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music |
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MIA - Galang |
] |
I am the Next Big Thing
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[15 Jan 2007|08:00pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
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music |
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Less Than Jake |
] |
Baby just don't close your heart.
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[12 Jan 2007|04:46pm] |
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mood |
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 blah bored |
] |
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music |
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Fat Joe - Make it Rain |
] |
I think you're a really big jerk.
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[05 Jan 2007|12:00pm] |
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mood |
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 heck yes dude! |
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music |
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Frankie Valley & the Four Seasons |
] |
I don't feel close to either of you guys anymore
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| I Caught Fire |
[31 Dec 2006|12:06am] |
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mood |
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 thankful |
] |
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music |
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The Used |
] |
Here's something real.
Something I haven't given you in a long time,
My dear anonymous friend.
I was reading previous journal entries, from almost two years ago. And they really made me laugh. I was such a sad case. I struggled so hard with trying to define myself, and I failed miserably. But I guess that's a part of growing up. My life seemed sufficient though, for the most part I guess. It makes me really sad to think of how I allowed myself to be so easily influenced. God, I can't help but laugh. I was such a sad case in highschool. But I guess that's an acceptable excuse.
Now I don't know if I've really grown up. Emotionally, to be specific. Physically, yes, that's obvious. Mentally, I guess for the most part. Sometimes I still see myself as that girl who craves attention. Well more love really. I hate letting people down. Especially myself. I'm so hard on myself. I strive to make myself a better person. Gain more confidence, more love, more respect and dignity, for myself and others. This year is coming to an end, and it's been a bit difficult, 2006. With graduating highschool, getting a new job, growing up, trying to figure out which lifelong career I'd like to obtain, and almost losing my mom. That was the hardest. I seriously think, that if I would've lost her, I would've ceased to exist. I remember standing in ICU, bawling, and I prayed my heart out. I hate thinking about it. I love her. So much.
So, and I know I've said this before, this year, I really do want to make myself happy. I don't think I can truly make others happy, without being happy with myself. Which, there isn't too much I'm unhappy about. I have awesome family, awesome friends, a fantastic job. I'm pretty much happy with the person I've become, mentally and emotionally. I should've figured physically would be the only thing I'd really worry about, but who doesn't worry about the physical things? So my goals this year are :
1)Quit Smoking
2)Lose weight
3)Finally get in school
None of these seem difficult. Except for number two. And I'm going to need all the support I can get. It's going to be so hard. But I'm determined. I'm not going to turn 20 and look the same. I refuse to.
This is the year of change and bettering. Here we go guys.
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[30 Dec 2006|08:29pm] |
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mood |
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 food is awesome |
] |
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music |
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A New Found Glory |
] |
Can you tell
That I don't know myself
I need someone to remind me.
Tell all my friends I'm dead.
I'm leaving you -
This time it's for good.
New year.
New person.
Wish me luck.
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| i'll never know |
[27 Dec 2006|06:12pm] |
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mood |
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 it's infinite |
] |
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music |
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That John Mayer Guy |
] |
I feel really lonely
And I have no idea why
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[22 Dec 2006|09:09pm] |
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mood |
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 yeah fuck off |
] |
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music |
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New Found Glory |
] |
and I'm still waiting for a good day
I think I've held this long enough
I think it's safe to tell you some things
it's not just what you say to people
and it's not the way you look at me
it's the way you present yourself
for all your worst critics to see
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| OMFGz |
[20 Dec 2006|12:08pm] |
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mood |
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 Yeah whatever |
] |
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music |
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John Mayer - Trust Myself |
] |
( Slow Dance )
Live and love and never regret.
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| Hail Hitler! |
[17 Dec 2006|08:42pm] |
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mood |
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 aksdjf;alksjf a;sld ;aldf |
] |
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music |
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John Mayer - Waiting on the World |
] |
Pray for me.
I might lose my job.
They say I threw the Hail Hitler! sign.
Supposedly I'm a Gestapo Soldier.
I have a swastika tattoed on my arm.
And a flag in my room.
Douche.
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| †|
[14 Dec 2006|09:45am] |
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mood |
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food food |
] |
| [ |
music |
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last night songs |
] |
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?
I'm trying.
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| Prologue |
[12 Dec 2006|01:24pm] |
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mood |
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restless sleep |
] |
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music |
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RENT Soundtrack |
] |
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure,
measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In
inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you
measure a year in the life?
My heart has expired.
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| Heartache Every Moment |
[09 Dec 2006|08:32pm] |
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mood |
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 food is good |
] |
| [ |
music |
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HIM - Killing Loneliness |
] |
The human head weighs 8 pounds.
We all have fat heads. Haha.
So.
I'm getting my hair done this week.
And I think I'm starting to grow up.
And I think I'm drowning.
Drowning on the thoughts of love.
How sweet it must be.
I know how it feels to be on your own
In this cruel world where hearts are bound to turn to stone
Where you are alone
And tired of breathing
It's all going wrong
And you just can't stand the pain any more
You're too numb to believe in
In anything
Baby just don't close your heart
Darling don't let me down
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[09 Dec 2006|12:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 eh |
] |
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music |
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OK Go |
] |
I don't like this.
I don't like being upset all the time.
I don't like the fact that
I don't tell people how I really feel.
I'm a liar.
Only to make her heart beat,
She cried.
She wept until the sun came up.
And that was it - this was the day.
Then she decided,
To die is to know that you're alive.
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| Gone with the Sin |
[08 Dec 2006|11:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 smoke time |
] |
| [ |
music |
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HIM - Join Me In Death |
] |
I was thinking.
I sort of miss the way my life used to be.
Kind of sad, right?
I used to not care about stupid petty things.
I hated anyone and everyone that crossed my path.
And I got by just fine.
I was having fun.
One thing I miss is the way I was able to write.
I miss that touch.
I don't know what happened to it.
Life is a bit crazy.
New job, new friends.
New life, right?
I don't know.
I don't know if I like it.
I'm a bit afraid.
And here I am spilling my heart to you.
The one of no name and no face.
Take me on a journey.
Let it never end.
And it's just another dream.
Just another.
Restless.
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| =( |
[14 May 2005|10:32am] |
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mood |
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Oh Man - I'm so Frickin Hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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A Kiss To Remember - My Dying Bride |
] |
Mikey died last night.
Fortunately peacefully and painless.
No funeral - cremation at hand.
I'm going to miss him.
=(
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